thoughts

What does it take to hurt me? Really hurt me?
When was the last time I felt hurt by somebody? I don't know. I don't remember.
I don't remember ever crying because someone ever betrayed me or gossipped about me. Sure, I know it happened, but I didn't let it affect me.

I think I've learned to shelter myself from being hurt emotionally by someone.
Is that because I don't offer my heart to people?
Is it because I have the ability to just see the positive sometimes?
Is it because I prevent myself from getting hurt? or is it because, really, no one has ever tried to hurt me? or if someone tries to hurt me do I care? Do I even clue in that they are trying to hurt me?
Is it because the friends I have made in the last few years don't know me well enough to hurt me? Is it because I don't let them get to know me well enough?
Am I cold-hearted? Will I change? Someday will I be able to wear my heart on my sleeve and be sensitive and empathetic?

I know for a fact that I've hurt people...but never on purpose. Is that because I know I wouldn't get hurt by it, so they shouldn't either? Do I have to ponder beforehand: is what I say going to hurt the other person? Yep. I feel like I would have to be manipulative to still keep the other person happy by what I say, but still get my point across so that they understand. That's exactly what I DO NOT want to do in my relationships...I want to be straightforward, to the point, not dancing around the subject. I like to be blunt. And I like others to be blunt with me because I know it doesn't hurt me.

Sometimes I'd prefer a corporate relationship over a personal relationship, especially if it is for a short time. And corporate is basically the majority of the relationships I'm making here. I enjoy that, but then how does it affect my personal ones?

I'm sorry I've hurt some of those personal relationships with my insensitivity and harshness. I don't mean to. I know that someday, when I have settled down and am ready for a serious relationship, I will become more dependent, more sensitive, and the needs of others will take a more prominent role in my thoughts, words, and actions.

Casting Call

I had never been to a casting call before, and definitely not one for hair...so I had no idea what to expect. When I arrived, I saw a lot of younger-looking people; men and women. The people running the call were friendly and professional. I filled out a form, had my picture taken and then chatted with a guy and left. I got a call later on that night and they "definitely want me for the show"!!!! I could get paid $350!!
So tomorrow morning, I'll do the hour commute and show up to the convention center at 9am, if all goes well.
Today work went really well. I'm getting a lot done with the media coverage, finished a mass mailing/certificate thing, and am starting various other projects. Now I won't have to go to work until Tuesday (Monday is a holiday) and only for half the day because of our Chinatown visit!
Tonight I'm thinking of going to see Eight below, which was filmed in Smithers. That is, if I get out of the house in time. I wouldn't mind going ot bed early tonight, too.

March 1...again

After only having 15 minutes to do my hair, makeup and shower this morning to get ready for classes, imagine my amazement when a guy I came across in the local starbucks tonight invited me to a casting call for a hair and fashion show this weekend! He said I seemed like just the type he needed for his "MOP" show. Modern Organic Products. I could be paid quite a bit if I'm chosen! The casting call is Thursday night from 6-8 at a hotel in the loop. I'll let you know how it goes :) That would be nice to get a bit of extra cash AND get free hair products AND a haircut out of it! (Don't worry, mom, it seems legit...he wasn't a dirty-looking man or creepy in any way!)
www.mopproducts.com

Classes went well today. I was a little tired. We watched the end of "Crash" a very straightforward approach to racism and how it can all be tied together. It's a good movie, but it's rated R and has some innappropriate things for younger viewers...like Daryl and Todd. The discussion we had afterwards about how the characters relate to our enneagram study was very interesting! We found just about all of the 9 numbers on the enneagram. The enneagram is in the book, The 9 ways of working, that we're going through in Values and Vocations class. We basically go through what we value, what different things have affected our values, nature vs. nurture stuff, how it affects our work and how we interact with others' working styles. I love the course. It seems like a good Management-type course to take. By the way, I have many characteristics of these three: the first two being what I have the most characteristics of: 1-The perfectionist, 3-the Producer, and 9-the mediator. I don't have much 9 in me, but it does show up at work a lot.
We didn't have practicum group after lunch so I came back to the apartment to have lunch and rest and read before going to the Bicycle Federation to volunteer. I love going over there, I'm sure I've said it many times, but the atmosphere is so fun. The people are cool and so laid back. I updated a database the whole time, but that's okay for just a few hours...as long as it's not an 8 hour day!

I gave up chocolate and peanut butter for lent. I gave up chocolate two years ago, and made it the whole time! (I don't count hot chocolate though) It's been a while since I haven't eaten either of those every day. I think cross country revived my love for peanut butter because we used to eat it all the time before meets and before morning runs. Anyway, now whenever I feel that I want chocolate or peanut butter (or both!) I pray, and it's a conscious thing, which is what I need. It's so hard to carry on a personal relationship with someone if you never talk or listen to them, and that's just what I have to work on...listening to God and taking quiet time to reflect.
Speaking of time to reflect, I had a lot tonight as I was waiting for a bus and sitting on a train. Here's the story: Tonight we had another arts activity called The Good Body, by Eve Ensler. It was a one-woman show. She did it all...feminism, different accents, different life stories, comedy, compaining about her belly, food, working out, a lot. Women can relate, but the guys were probably a bit uncomfortable with a bit of the content. Anyway, I'll include my journal later. Good show though. I was impressed with how she can keep up her expression and keep us interested in her stories! Funny woman.

Okay, so the Chicago Semester staff set up two school busses to take us because the show was like a 45 minute drive away. The email I got said that it would leave at a library at a certain time, so I was there from 6:00 until 6:40...I was told that we would leave at 6:15. Didn't have my cell phone with me (bad idea) and missed the two calls to tell me that the bus took off already, but from ANOTHER LOCATION. I guess in the latest e-mail, the location of departure was changed, and I didn't get that one. I ran home and called Ang right away to tell her that I was taking the train. There was no way I'd miss this show. So I took the red line to the purple line to the yellow line to the taxi and finally made it to the show about 20 minutes after it started. Not bad, I caught most of the show and got the point and most of the humor. Thank the Lord for the 5 dollars in my wallet so that I didn't have to wait in the cold OR walk the 10 blocks to the theatre from the station. Wow. I told the taxi driver, "I have five dollars, can it take me as far as the 9000 block?" I'm SURE he gave me a break on that one.

All in all another good day filled with challenges and good stories, AND a CASTING CALL :), and if I'm quick, I can even get to bed by midnight!
Goodnight!

Random comments

I'm just experimenting with a new template...any suggestions?
Can anyone tell me how to make my profile picture on the main page bigger?
I can't find the resizing part in the html template tab.

That takes me back to my good old html high school days. I remember having SUCH a hard time making a webpage on Word after I had done all the html stuff in Infotech 11 and BIM 12! Mr Reedyk was awesome at teaching html.

Song in my head today: "Isn't She Lovely" Stevie Wonder

Mardi Gras!!

Kate and I managed to both get to the train a little earlier than normal this morning, which was nice when walking to work after I got off the train...didn't have to sweat ;) We were standing on the train as it stopped on Chicago, and the announcer said we'd be stopped for a little bit. We didn't really understand why until we saw two security guards pass by with a dog sniffing the train. Interesting! People all looked suspicious of each other...
And then I come to work and there are beads and donuts in the kitchen for everyone! I didn't know today was Mardi Gras. Great! The bars outside our window will be hopping tonight...once again a constant reminder that 20 is still not yet an adult. I'm just a kid--a (mostly canadian) kid that can vote (in the US), but not yet even enter a place where they serve alcohol, even though I'm constantly being mistaken for 20-something already (must be the haircut). Please understand my frustration.

Today we had our first neighborhood visit to Chinatown with my practicum group. There are only 6 or 7 of us in the group, so we should be able to get to know each other pretty well this afternoon. We met down there around 3:30, but I was allowed to leave work at noon to eat and rest before the visit. That was my time to get a nap in! I felt disoriented taking the train to Chinatown after just waking up, but all went okay. I took many pictures, actually, we all took lots of pictures. We have a group presentation to do at the end of the semester. Sung Yeon mentioned that the groups from the last semester did a horrible job. She stressed horrible, and also used "sucked" in the description. hah. We'll show 'em up.

Tonight was our last day at our pampered gym...after this, we're at a place which I hear is only open from 9-6. And I'm not even expecting showers so that I don't get my hopes up. How the heck am I going to squeeze in there and be out by 6 is what I want to know. That's inconvenient, and barely enough time after work to get in a workout!

Monday, February 27

I jogged kind of slowly this morning. Some days it's just hard to wake up and work out in the morning because of drooping energy levels. Is it because the stomach is empty from not eating since supper? It would make sense, but it could very well be not having enough sleep as well. I only ran for about 2 miles and then got ready and still had enough time to go back the apartment to drop off my sweaty clothes and get my lunch. It was nice to have the extra time to get ready for my day, but boy was I tired in the afternoon!

At work I got so fed up with my shoes (slip-on blue ones that don't match any clothes I have) that I wanted to go shopping for new ones. Unsuccessful. I keep thinking that maybe shopping is better if I just go to look around with the intentions to buy and come out with nothing. Some days are like that because I'm so picky. And because I'm not willing to drop 20 or 30 bucks on an impulse buy! I went into H&M just down State street because I had already visited the shoe stores in that part of the street and guess who I saw in there...Kate! Apparently Ang was in there earlier too! Hah....crazy..we're definitely meant to live together. We all decided to just shop that evening. Kate was also shoe shopping for wedding shoes (although H&M doesn't even carry shoes...)

When I got home, Pam had supper all ready for us...meatloaf, potatoes, corn. Probably the best meal we've had here so far. I enjoyed the good old meat and potatoes meal.
Chris called and reminded me that I agreed to go with him to the gym, so we went around 8:30 with Kate and Ang as well. Since I had already done a slow jog that morning, I decided to make this a harder workout so I ran intervals on the treadmill and then lifted weights. I left there feeling GREAT, and tired!

Sunday, February 26

Church started at 11am and this is basically the only time I ever take a bus around the city. It would be about a mile to walk to church, which wouldn't be too bad if Iwoke up earlier. (See my post from yesterday about sleeping in :) ) We got to Park Community Church right on time and sat through, what I thought was, an amazing service. The Pastor's message, the singing led by a guy who sounded like he could be on Revival in Belfast, and the people around us were all so comforting and uplifting. We met up with a few more CS people after and all went back on the same bus. I wish Chad and I hung out with more people over the weekend. They had gone to a place called "Brew and View" where they show cheaper movies, but we didn't know they were going until right before they left, so we couldn't go with them.
But anyway, Sunday afternoon was spent watching TV, cleaning the apartment a bit, and packing up for Chad to meet up with Ryan at Midway station.
Chad and I left a few minutes late and had an interesting ride down the Orange Line. I personally don't know what to think or say anymore about the weekend. It was frustrating, to say the least, because I don't know what either of us wants or can give in/to this relationship right now. Or if I even want this relationship...it's tough at this time of our lives when we are both on such different paths and have such different lives and social lives.
So we met up with Ryan and the others driving and Chad was off...I headed back to the apartment to vacuum and tidy up for when my roommates came back that night.

The closing ceremonies of the olympics were later that night and I was invited to have some supper with Jeff, Dave, and Chris upstairs. I went up and we ate baked zeeti (sp?) and garlic bread, courtesy of Dave. We turned the Olympics on and watched the end of some cross country skiing before the closing ceremonies. SO EXCITING that they're in VANCOUVER in 2010!!!! I'll BE THERE. That's my goal, and I'll do whatever it takes to meet it. (As I found out in Values and Vocations).
So that was my night, watching tv and hanging out until I went back down to hug my roommates. Yay, my sisters all back safely!
It was awesome to talk to some family members on the phone! Dad let me know a bit about the zone tournament for basketball that the boys were in (D and T) and mom let me know a little bit about what keeps her VERY busy lately.
Pam explained to me her horrible/exciting/surprising/tiring weekend at Dordt and then we went to sleep. Deeeeeep Sleep...

Saturday, February 25

I really enjoy sleeping in. So that's what I did on Saturday morning...slept until around 1:00 in the afternoon. I know it's sleeping the day away, and that it really messes up your sleep schedule, but my life seems in place when I get an over abundance of sleep. I woke up and wanted to go for a run and then get on with the day. Chad and I decided not to go for a run...that we'd do it later, so we both showered and were eventually out of the apartment to go sight-seeing at 3pm. I showed him where I work, the Sears Tower, and the Chicago Public Library. We were searching around there for at least 45 minutes for a book and ended up getting frustrated and leaving. We found a cute little cafe on Michigan Ave called the Artist's Cafe and at the best bruchetta (sp?) I've ever had. Very full of flavors! Then, after coffee, Chad and I walked up Michigan Ave a bit more, decided it was too cold, and the went back to the apartment for what we thought would be a 20 minute run!

Now, every Saturday night at 6:30 there are fireworks in the city. I can't remember where exactly, and I couldn't remember this Saturday night either. I just know the general area...not any street names or anything. So Chad and I went running down LakeShore Drive..by the lake, trying to find those fireworks. We heard them and missed them, so we just decided to run down to Navy Pier instead. Wow, it was icy and wavy out there! Kind of scary and mysterious. A big dark mass of water.

We dodged a few waves on our run and had to walk through some icy spots, but we made it down to Navy Pier. What an awesome nightlife place! There was some kind of wedding reception or awards celebration going on in one of the Navy Pier rooms and also music playing on speakers around the pier...if you could hear it over the wind. One cafe caught my eye because of the LIVE music inside (a band playing) and the servers were wearing shorts, so it must have been hot in there! It looked inviting! (So someday soon I'll take up that invitation!)

Chad and I didn't want to run against the wind on the way back to the apartment, so we ran through the city...up Michigan Ave and Rush street. We saw a few limos on Michigan Ave and saw the Ritzy shopping places and dodged through people as we ran up. It was chilly, and I'm sure a few people thought we were crazy for a) running at that time of night, b) running down Michigan Ave, c) not wearing enough clothes, and d) running in the wind and cold!
We took a little stop in the Hershey chocolate shoppe (and what a mouth watering scent in there! Mmmmm!) and basically jogged slowly up the streets.

We got to the apartment, stretched, and Chad started making his infamous spaghetti! He makes a mean spaghetti sauce and uses every sense except taste to ensure the right spices and flavors! SO Good! I finished laundry as he showered and we ate after my shower and then put on a movie, Chocolat. We figured out a way to not have to unplug and move my computer and speakers, but point it in a different direction so that we can pull out the couch and still have a good view and good sound. That was pretty much our night. We both ended up going to bed around 1:00 or 1:30am, after our hour-long run we were tired!