thoughts

What does it take to hurt me? Really hurt me?
When was the last time I felt hurt by somebody? I don't know. I don't remember.
I don't remember ever crying because someone ever betrayed me or gossipped about me. Sure, I know it happened, but I didn't let it affect me.

I think I've learned to shelter myself from being hurt emotionally by someone.
Is that because I don't offer my heart to people?
Is it because I have the ability to just see the positive sometimes?
Is it because I prevent myself from getting hurt? or is it because, really, no one has ever tried to hurt me? or if someone tries to hurt me do I care? Do I even clue in that they are trying to hurt me?
Is it because the friends I have made in the last few years don't know me well enough to hurt me? Is it because I don't let them get to know me well enough?
Am I cold-hearted? Will I change? Someday will I be able to wear my heart on my sleeve and be sensitive and empathetic?

I know for a fact that I've hurt people...but never on purpose. Is that because I know I wouldn't get hurt by it, so they shouldn't either? Do I have to ponder beforehand: is what I say going to hurt the other person? Yep. I feel like I would have to be manipulative to still keep the other person happy by what I say, but still get my point across so that they understand. That's exactly what I DO NOT want to do in my relationships...I want to be straightforward, to the point, not dancing around the subject. I like to be blunt. And I like others to be blunt with me because I know it doesn't hurt me.

Sometimes I'd prefer a corporate relationship over a personal relationship, especially if it is for a short time. And corporate is basically the majority of the relationships I'm making here. I enjoy that, but then how does it affect my personal ones?

I'm sorry I've hurt some of those personal relationships with my insensitivity and harshness. I don't mean to. I know that someday, when I have settled down and am ready for a serious relationship, I will become more dependent, more sensitive, and the needs of others will take a more prominent role in my thoughts, words, and actions.